Its the second week of Easter. Previously I had written about waiting on God, and the Road to Emmaus, as points of hope, points of expectation that hopefully God will answer my prayers.
Lately, especially in the last few days I find myself falling more into despair. Yes, despair in an Easter season is a very antithetical response. I find hope sometimes dimming away – I find it hard to trust in God.
And this trust in God is affecting my relationships with everyone – from being moody with the wife to barking orders at my son when he slips up at home. These are my punching bags. Even when wifey gets upset with the kids or laments about the atrocious school work – that’s also a punching moment for me because I feel helpless. I feel helpless and powerless because despite me knowing full well all this work is just BS – it’s not even something that I can close an eye and accept – its blatant BS because it consumes too much time and effort from the parents to actually see to this.
Just a case in point, in school now. No.1 is going through his Math curriculum and clearly the syllabus is too advanced for someone his age. HIs math teacher sent a long message at the start of the weekend to “remind parents that the students are still struggling with some concepts and that as parents we are encouraged to work with them to improve their understanding”.
Look, I have 3 kids, not just one golden child. I dont have the bandwidth and capacity to coach my child. Yes I could pay for tuition, but at what expense am I drowning my son with unnecessary stress? Is it even ethical to have these kinda stress levels for a 9 year old?
Secondly, why is the school not managing this? Why then the rush for them to grasp these concepts at a tender age? Its really unfair to have high expectations but the school is unable to also cope themselves and depend on the parents to bufer it. That’s the most idiotic thing I have come to realise about the education system here There’s nothing world-class about this.
And then came today – sunday when we found out that No.1 has a spelling test today. I don’t know why but I was frustrated with this. And indirectly I took it out on my son – clearly the words were hard, but I was just pissed.
I was pissed that my son has to go through this unnecessary stress
I was pissed that wifey cooly played down the test and saying “its no big deal if he doesnt do well” when at times she gets frustrated with his school workload and her struggle to keep up.
I am pissed that God has remained radio silence on our move. The move to europe for that job seems all but gone, the kangaroo land dream has also gone quiet. Why is Heaven so silent? Mind you, our desire to move started over 3 years ago when I got a message on whether I would consider a role in Kangaroo Land? That started the process for us to consider migrating, for me to be open to a move to Japan in that same year, and just recently for me to be head hunted for a role in both in Bangkok and Europe. All have failed and landed nowhere. Is God just leading me on?
So yeah I am pissed – I am pissed at a few things, but mainly at the Maker this time. The unknown and the wait is daily agony. To hope against Hope and think something will change, it wears you down.
Yes I know my life is actually pretty good – I have a good job, a good stable career, I have a good family, good kids and so on. But its the system here that is killing me softly. Its a subtle opression that no one speaks off but everyone is aware off and adopts a “no choice” attitude that is also antagonising me.
I honestly dont know how to resolve it – accepting my fate probably is the answer because I dont know what He is doing anymore. I am wasting money each year with all the documentation needed to keep my Kangaroo Application alive and active while still battling my son’s battles along with wifey.
Hard times ahead indeed.
