Change is something I am acquainted with. For years, I have lived, breathed and preached change to my clients and all other social endeavours that I have been involved in ; from leading my church youth group into a new and updated ministry identity and convincing the parish office to fund some of my youth projects (in the name of youth development and in turn supporting the church) , helping an aunt to conquer her fear of riding escalators to patiently training a 2-month Labrador Retriever to sit and stay and not to beg from the food table – I am comfortable with dealing with change. Heck, I recently got involved in teaching change management at a prominent local University here as part of their executive education programme for working professionals.
I.am.Mr.Change.
Or so I thought – Before the little one came, I thought all will be fine. Yes, I did expect and anticipate some drastic changes and paradigm shifts to our lives, but never did I expect such a ginormous change to the point there are days, both the wifey and I feel overwhelmed caring for the little one. It’s not a bad thing mind you and as wifey and I keep reminding each other at times when the going gets though. Its just all part of life.
Right from the get go, since the arrival of the little one, life has completely changed for both of us ; obviously more so for the wifey, but even in my own life, the changes are visible – the dark rings under my eyes (which often scares people who think I must be going through hell at home but I wish to assure you its not the case – its more due to the fact all these years I have had 7-8 hours sleep and suddenly body is now adjusting to interrupted sleep – that’s all). Beyond the biological signs, emotionally and mentally too there have been changes in my own life as I adapt to my own big change. Nevertheless, for all the changes that we are going through as young and new parents, I have to say, I have learnt 3 things during these last 4-5 months which probably I hadn’t learnt before.
There will be good times and bad times
Babies are unpredictable. That’s how it is and the only way they can communicate is to cry. That’s the only form of communication that they can offer for now. As such, one day things will be great and wonderful. You feel like doing cartwheels in the living room the moment you find out your baby can smile back and you and you, yes YOU have the ability and “power” to make your baby laugh and smile. And suddenly just without warning, with no blinking red alert signs that you are so used when preparing for a cataclysmic disaster, your little bundle-of-joy will erupt into a fitful unconsolable cry baby. Mine will start his face into a “I-am-gonna-cry-now” face or will protrude his lower red lips and prepare to go into a huge pouting mode followed by tear streams across his cheek. WHAT ON EARTH JUST HAPPENED??? And just as you are recovering from your 2-min-ago euphoria cartwheel, you have this cry-baby machine now to deal with. Your parental instincts (or-whatever-you-have-instincts-to-keep-baby-from-crying) will kick in to high gear and pretty soon you will be doing another type of exercise – bouncing on a ball to rock your baby and soothe his crying or swinging him from left-to-right to keep him from crying further – wifey and I have taken boomerangs of this – it’s hilarious when you see it 4 hours later or you had some sleep!) But pretty soon, the baby will tire out and eventually come back, and as the adrenaline dies down, you catch your breath and things go back to being blissful, albeit you feeling worn out and tired. And the cycle repeats the next day.
And that’s how it is with taking care of the little one. There will be good and bad times. What’s most important is to always cherish those good moments and remember those bad moments will pass away (When I was in college, I used to often say that bad clouds often come, but they don’t last long – too bad that quote was never made into a fridge magnet or a meme)
Growth Is Painful
God has a way of helping his creatures grow through Mother Nature. And boy, does Mother Nature rarely give her subjects a break especially when it comes to growth. In all of life, every organism has had to struggle in order to achieve a new state of being. The whole concept of evolution is rooted deeply in the idea of survival and struggle. You either sink or swim. Growth is almost always painful. To taste the pleasures of sweet success one always has to endure the bitter potion of struggle and pain. And this is most evident in my little one. Seeing him grow every day has been an incredible joy for both the wifey and me, but it has certainly come with a necessary cost. All babies go through 10 leaps from their birth to about 2 years of age. These leaps are designed to help them further develop their cognitive and physiological capabilities so that they may grow up to be fully formed adults – top of the food chain material. And these leaps don’t come easily. As I said, Mother Nature has programmed mankind’s DNA to go through these leaps and develop our minds and bodies in the process.
It is definitely a telling reminder to me about how important growth is and how painful it can be sometimes. Yet it is utterly necessary and I feel parents who don’t understand these leaps and are unable to cope with the demands of their babies’ changes. Even I myself sometimes find it hard to grapple with the little one’s demands and incessant crying, although I believe the wifey has it worse at times. Yet this is every babies’ walkabout and as much as the babies go through these growth spurts, their parents are also undergoing a metamorphosis or another kind – learning to be patient, learning to be tolerant, and learning to be loving and kind in the harshest of conditions (Can you imagine caring for a baby that disrupts your sleep almost on a daily basis, is demanding and relentless and does nothing but sleep, poop and cry?
My wife is amazing
The 3rd thing the little one has taught me is to realise just how amazing the wifey is. Yes, through my son I am also slowly beginning to realise that being a mother is not easy. Its one thing having a devoted mother growing up during my childhood years, but ts a whole different vantage point to see a Mother caring so much for her son. As a father and husband, I am truly humbled and at the same time in awe of how the wifey copes with everything. No, we don’t have maids or helpers to alleviate our burdens. Wifey does it all. The cleaning, the laundry, the grocery shopping and on top of that keeping an eye and providing all the primary needs of the little one. Seeing the wifey work so hard to keep the family together makes my complaints (and for that matter, any guy who tells me!) about sleep deprivation sound like a petty complaint.
Summing it up
Life with a baby is indeed life-changing. For better or worse, that’s really up to you to decide. We (wifey and I) have heard stories of couples who have struggled to cope with the arrival of the baby and are often saddened to hear that many choose the easy way out. Of course, we would never know the “full” story but we both believe that being a parent, while difficult and overwhelmingly challenging is also part and parcel of marriage. I personally believe having a child is the ultimate test of how strong the marriage bond is between couples.
I am recently reading a book called Brain Rules for baby and I have found it to be an extremely helpful read. Written by John Medina, the book explores how the baby’s brain works including the whole debate on Nature vs. Nurture. But one part of the book that really caught my heart was when he quoted veteran parents who shared that raising kids, as difficult as it was, in the beginning, was a worthwhile endeavour in the long run. I found much comfort and solace upon reading this as it confirmed my upheld belief that you can’t go wrong putting your family first.
There is still much to be learnt, much more to be experienced and more than this life has to offer. For the first time, I feel like an old part of myself had died (when the baby came) and new part of me has been born (the fatherhood). And so I begin my own change journey.
