These last few weeks have been immensely tough. I have shared before I have been waiting – waiting for news of our kangaroo plans, waiting for any interviews – waiting for things at work to settle down admist the uncertainty.
And these things are all slowly becoming giants in my life – the wait and hoping that one day I might be called up for the invitation to apply – the wait that I can move on with my life, my career. I am waiting and as the days roll by, and the weeks move, the waiting becomes harder and it morphs into giants. The stress of waiting becomes the stress itself.
And it all came crashing to a grinding halt on Sunday when wifey and me had the most explosive argument and fight. It was so bad that we felt we really traumatised our children. I felt frustrated, tired, dejected, dissapointed, helpless, hopeless – all rolled into one and it was a long time coming. I have been struggling with my faith, waiting on God – to the point I felt even tired to apply for jobs on linkedin. I just felt like giving up and the tiredness just taking over.
The fight on sunday really got me thinking – what on earth am I doing? On one hand, many would give an arm and a leg to be where I am, but on the other hand, I just dont want to be in this pressure-cooker society anymore – I want out. And I am ready to move out and yet nothing seems to be happening – nothing has seem to be happening for the last 2 years as I have been patiently waiting for the intivation to apply.
And on Monday, after reconciling with wifey, I decided to, for some strange reason, watch Facing the Giants – a 20 year old movie that I once watched nearly 15 years ago when I was a 28 year old lad and I was in the dumps and was clinging to God.
Watching that movie just brought back memories, and throughout the movie, there were many times I ended up tearing and had to fight back the tears as I was in a public setting – either on a train or having lunch – I could really relate to the movie and I found it bore just such deeper meaning this time around compared to when I saw it 15 years ago. From the main protagonist struggling with his career (his football squad and team) and just can’t seem to have a break, to his beat up car giving problems and him and his wife being unable to conceive and his house falling apart – man I have experienced all those moments over the last 15 years.
But I think what really shook me this time was just having that simple faith and trusting in God. Trusting that He will take care of things – such a simple message, and yet how much have I forgotten that simple truth – that God will take care of things – we just need to do our best and let him do the rest.
I found the movie so timely in an unexpected way – I was expecting it to be cheesy and like “not real” but instead I found myself tearing and like resolving to also cling to Christ – not in a pathethic groveling way, but in a way rooted in confidence, in love, and in a relationship. That He will take care of things. And I think the whole message of “if we win, we praise Him, and if we lose, we still praise Him” really struck a chord within me. That’s the kind of faith I have been lacking – my hope that is anchored on circumstances rather than posture and on faith and will.
Towards the end of the movie, and as I was reflecting on it during the course of the movie, like what the bible teacher told the coach – “God is not done with you yet” – I just felt that ringing in my heart so loudly. As much as I wanna give up and just resign to whatever fate and future it will be for me – I just find myself going back and clinging to this truth too – that God is also not done with me – that He has a plan for me and for my family – its just not right now, not yet, but it will come. Ands I am gonna go and prepare my fields for the rain. How? By praising him, praying for and loving my family, reading scripture, giving my best at work and honoring God with my time and by recounting his Good deeds. My Lord is faithful.
Back in 2021, I started my “waiting on the Lord series”. I still remember writing my first few posts in the darkest of times – I didnt know what I was doing with my career after delivering a rather difficult project as a project manager; we had been trying close to a year for another child. It just felt bleak at that moment.
And 2 months after I started writing this down, we managed to concieve and 9 months later in September 2022, we had our second child. That was also about the time I was looking out to move, to find another job, and nothing worked out for 1 year – in fact I was so close to getting an OD job in Japan which never materalised. Almost 18 months later, I finally got a move to the Big O and even though that didnt last very long, I moved back to my former company just months before all the layoffs at Big O started happening. Divine providence? Well with God nothing is coincidence so definitely His hand was there.
And so that’s where i am now – once again in the boat of uncertain storms. Dark clouds are looming and I still cling on to some hope. I wanna change my ways, be less misreasble, to have hope rooted not in application forums, but in Him, the God of the impossible. I am claiming this promise that He is not done with me yet.
