About a year ago (11 months to be exact!) I began a series of essays on waiting on the Lord. These essays were designed to remind me about God’s faithfulness in my life, especially during times where I felt abandon or moments where I felt God as not listening to me, or answering my prayers. I started the series at a very trying time in my life, and to be honest the trials continued all throughout 2022.
But the birth of Hammie was something that is worth noting and reflecting on. I have written at length over many separate occasions on our struggles to conceive, even to the point that once wifey found out she was pregnant, we even thought we would lose the baby.
Of course Hammie is now born and she’s a real bundle of joy. I can’t help but think and give thanks to God for bringing this child safely to this world and more importantly for even blessing us both with a gift of a daughter. As I said before, it was really apt that Hammie is our light.
I shall not recount the story all over again as it has already been documented (bits and pieces being captured here and there through the links above) but I do want to really use this post to remind myself how faithful God has been. Its really somewhat embarrassing when I even think of it because earlier this year, I felt God had truly abandoned me. Work was tough despite me delivering the project successfully last year, I found myself dejected and demoralised. To make matters worse, wifey was still not pregnant and we were getting tired of waiting. It was always a pain to give her those hormonal injections, month after month. In fact I recall getting nervous during Day 11 – Day 13 of her post ovulation cycle because that would be the time when she would know whether she would have conceived. It was always an emotional time for her and for me.
But on Jan 7, it was a different experience for both of us. Wifey surprised me that evening with balloons and a pregnancy test to let me know she was pregnant! I would never forget that day, rushing to her after seeing the setup of the room which she and the little one did to surprise me in his room. I was gushing and overjoyed. For this child we have prayed – She put that note on the letter board. Previously it was Behold I am making something new – a message I got a month earlier during one of the NC Way masses we attended (I think it was during the feast of the Immaculate conception).
But it will not be a smooth sailing journey for us. Towards the end of January as I mentioned earlier, we thought we almost lost the baby and a month later wifey was struck with Covid. It was a period of much anxiety for us labouring through the first trimester with wifey being tired and confined to bed rest (after the scare!) and me juggling with the demands of work and dealing with my self worth as I began to question myself and my career aspirations.
While the second trimester was largely smooth and we managed to visit home, the 3rd trimester which began around the end of June also had its bumps when we found out wifey had complications with her iron. Week after week though things were still looking good for mummy and baby and finally towards the tail end of week 39, it was I who got more impatient rather than trusting in God.
I can’t help but think though how God came through towards the end. We started our 2nd pregnancy journey in 2020 of October (I still remember wifey making the call to enquire while in the midst of her 2nd miscarriage) as we went through the Creighton Model training and charting exercise. In 2021, I wondered whether all the injections I had to administer to wifey would actually work towards the end. It was a pain seeing her in pain and often time heartbreaking to know there would be no baby for the month.
He has been faithful and His timing has been perfect. I have learnt through this journey to see the Hand of God. Actually I am still learning to be honest. I don’t find that I have that kind of faith to push through and have absolute confidence in God. But I am trying. And I want to honestly. I feel I have a long way to go but I am gonna try. I am realising during the course of this year and last year that I can’t control things anymore – and it fills me with a lot of anxiety which is not good for me.
These past weeks as I have been on paternity leave, I have found pockets of time to spend time in front of the blessed sacrament – I do want to be a saint, I do want to draw closer to Him but I am afraid my faith is not enough. I want to truly have iron-clad faith, the kind of faith that is rooted in good soil and wont waver when the winds come.
But these moments of waiting in God have certainly helped to increase my faith in Him although it sometimes feels like taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back in my faith rather than 5 steps forward.
Perhaps this is something I need to take into prayer more and allow the Lord to speak to me.
