My heart has been pounding alot more than it should be these last few weeks. I have been struggling to fall asleep more easily these past few weeks. My mind races as I scan through the texts of chats or emails. In short, I have not had peace of mind for the last couple of weeks. Work worries, investment worries, fianancial worries have all plagued my mind in recent times. As I admitted to wifey when she was dropping at work a few days back, the only thing that is moving me forward is the baby in her belly – the thought of welcoming another child to our family and the thought of us having our prayers answered after so long.
But the lack of peace is a bothering one. It has rendered me crippled, even mentally and emotionally paralyzed at times. I haven’t blogged about it, but I know my heart is heavy due to work and financial commitments. But here’s the kicker, am I really being affected by all this?
If I were to break it down bit by bit, I wouldn’t know how or where to begin. But to break it down, I shall try. Perhaps I shall start with the easy one and also something that is beyond my control – my work. Work has been…lack of a better word shite since, well since after I delivered my 13-month project. Before I had time to even realise what is it I wanted to do, I was thrusted to go help complete some deferred items and manage some post go-live matters. I absolutely hated this (I didn’t realise how shitty and terrible it was) but as I dug deeper, I realised not only did I not have the right resources to do it, but I also didnt have the right skill sets and capabilities to do it. And the pressure from the clients were understandably overwhelming to say the least. On paper it looked like we had delivered everything but in reality we still had some more to go. And that’s where the painful part came – the chasers from the client. AND IT SUCKED BIG TIME because I knew this was all done and committed to the client before I stepped in. And now I had to “honor” those promises – well that was just bottom line unfair. And to top it off further, my boss was on leave too for a couple of weeks so I needed to “figure it out” and rough it out for those few weeks. I
In that moment in time, I also decided to rediscover my purpose – doing the 13th month project, while had left me feeling somewhat accomplished also begged the question in my heart – Is this what you really want to do?
And it didnt help the situation at work wasn’t great either. While I knew deep down it was just a temporary measure, it also got me thinking what am I truly passionate about – a question that I had gingerly avoided these past few years as I was gunning for my promotion. With that now secured, I had to turn and introspect myself and ask what is it I truly want to do. Perhaps this will be a blog reflection for another day but for now, it was suffice to say I was feeling unsettled by the issues at work. I was uncharting into unknown territory and often I found myself “not being of value” to team issues and discussions other than just monitoring the progress which left me demoralised at times.
Bottom line, there was no peace. While I did find some assurance after confiding in my boss, I found myself still restless, but at least there is some support from the top which probably has given me some fuel to move on.
But the peace I suppose is NOT MEANT TO BE FOUND IN THIS WORLD! The peace I am referring to is from the Lord, that regardless whatever situation or circumstance that I am in, that in the wheel of fortune or the wheel of life you may say, that even though the wheels may rotate and the seasons may change, at the Center of the wheel, nothing changes, its just Christ at the Center of that wheel of my life. And that is where my peace will be found, regardless of work, regardless of my financial goals and situations, that in the Center there is Christ, the Prince of Peace, the Source of my Peace – a peace that is always there, always stable, regardless of everything in my life.
And so, just like the wheel of life, there will be times I will “stray away” – I just need to remember to find and return back to the anchor of life, the draw back to the Source of Life – the Peace of all Peace. And that should always be in the Center of my life.
Note – Bishop Barron does an excellent video of the Wheel of Fortune where Christ is at the Center of the wheel which is the link above
