It was a surreal week that had just gone by. We arrived back from KL on a balmy Sunday night. Throughout the weekend, wifey was going on about how I would want to receive the news if she was pregnant. At first I thought it was just her usual way of humoring me, but then as she kept asking me and “reconfirming” with me on my choice of notification, I thought she might be obsessing with this pregnancy thing once again, to the point I even told her to stop with this obsession (which kinda hurt her feelings I think)
And true enough, on Monday, my preferred mode of delivery was executed – email – to notify me that she was indeed pregnant! I gotta admit, I was shell-shocked when I heard the news – Pregnant so soon, after just being on her progesterone drugs in the 1st cycle – it was surreal, but I did think perhaps this was a blessing from God. Throughout Tuesday I was still in disbelief – could we really be having another child? Would Hammie be a big sister? Her brother wasn’t even in town to be part of this! How do we break the news to him?
By the time Wednesday rolled, something was amiss – wifey felt her pregnancy was not moving along as it should. The lines were getting faint – an all-too-familiar experience we went through back in 2020 when she miscarried. Nevertheless she had another appointment at the gynae’s office to have another blood test done, but wifey knew, and somewhat felt it would not be viable.
I tried to cheer her up by just making some time to see God on Thursday. We went for Mass at Novena Church and I offered her up to God. I didn’t have the words to say to her, but I was hopping God would console her, in some ways.
By Friday, the news from the doctor’s office came – her HCG levels had dipped and it was very unlikely the pregnancy would continue. Wifey was crushed and I felt really bad for her. We had started the week with hope and ended the week with sorrow.
And yet, this time around, I can’t really explain it, but I felt peace. A peace that i knew the hand of God is with us, with our family. Despite us having a bad argument on Friday (I was just drained from work and I took it out on Hammie which irritated the wife and just set in motion a difficult time for both of us that night), I felt we were not abandoned by God this time. It’s just about waiting on Him.
We are often used to hearing about having faith – or rather having faith that God will do what we WANT Him to do and we just have to wait on Him – but this experience taught me something else – having faith is also having trust in Him ; that means in His time, in His ways and in His hands – that complete abandonment to God – which is something I have written about in the past too (on trust and confidence). It’s definitely not easy, but I believe that’s really where grace comes in.
