Not too long to go – Part II

I ended the year with mix feelings. There was an announcement that my sector would be undergoing a restructure and things would be changing (Another oddity that I felt in this company – the constant restructuring one had to endure). Under the new structure, there will not be departments any more but now instead the CHRO will be assigning us to around 30+ critical projects to fix up the ills that were plaguing the sector. While this was a welcome respite for me, I also did question the leadership capabilities in the organization. First off, was the restructuring even warranted? I had reservations about the whole plan as I believed that these people who were going to move into projects were not project management material to begin with. Through no fault of their own, they were not the right people for the job. Secondly I started to evaluate myself. As Head of OD, I had come here to gain experience in OD and job effectiveness. With this restructuring, part of me felt short changed to some degree. Hardly 6 months on the job and I had to now battle with the unknown.

Nevertheless, despite the uncertainty and reservations, I tried to take things positively and remain upbeat. As I mentioned, it was (at least I thought it was) a welcome respite. Maybe an opportunity for me to shine and start anew. After all it was going to be more projects oriented. I ended 2015 with a 2 week christmas break, pondering about many things. Christmas was memorable because for the first time, I would be bringing someone new home to celebrate christmas with my family.

2016 started amidst chaos. As I mentioned all departments in my sector had been scrapped so we were left to wait for the new structure to come out. I thought it was rather funny to see this happening. I mean to start of the year without knowing what you were going to do for the rest of the year. In any case announcements were made and to my surprise I was named to head one of the most coveted and strategic projects among the list. I didn’t envy the post to be honest. While everyone was busy congratulating me I would have to think how I would sort this out – how I would structure the project and get things moving.

Sadly it was about this time that things between my supervisor and I started to go downhill. Every other day, I would be berated for my lack of managerial abilities. At first I took it in my stride, vowing to improve myself and do better. I took the advice positively and began to try working harder with my team mates, giving guidance where necessary and helping to move things along. But over time, given the lack of quality and experience my team had to run projects, and the constant barrage from my supervisor, it slowly started to affect me. Also having to suddenly deal with a very senior stakeholder, the CHRO took a toll with me. And without proper support and guidance, I felt alone…very alone.

Eventually, given how unhappy I was at work, the idea of quitting started to surface. I felt I didnt really deserve this and I knew something was wrong with the organization and not me. It took a real long at hard look for me to finally admit to myself that there was a misfit. After nearly 7 months, I felt I didnt belong, I was unhappy with my work, and I just wanted out. And so, at the height of all my struggles, and after talking it through with a few people I sought counsel with on my decision, I decided to quit. I tendered and to the horror of my supervisor, I was chastised for not going through the proper protocol. My supervisor felt violated by my action. I remember thinking,  “wow, here I have just tendered, and all you can think is protocol and how you feel?”  That was the first time I felt I had definitely made the right decision. I was not gonna take anymore of this shit any long and I wanted out. And my boss’ reaction just helped prove I was right in my decision.

I had thought that quitting would ease my worries and return some sanity back. I was partially right. I was surprised to learn that despite quitting, I was still heavily used by my boss to get the work done. All my portfolios were given to my boss by the CHRO and so I would spend the next 2-3 months toiling away supporting my boss. It was tiring so much so I felt I was no different from where I started at times. My day would start by feeling sad and sharing that sorrow with the fiance and she would get upset as well. It was just a daily routine for me and it wasn’t pleasant at all. I didnt know what else to do. I was miserable inspite of my resignation. What was going on?

It was here that I began to cling to God ever more so. I started going to church during lunch hour to just spend 15-20 minutes with God praying. I have to admit, that helped a great deal. From starting off praying about just getting through the day and the week, I slowly rediscovered my relationship with God. I sometimes do think perhaps this was what God had wanted all along. for me to return back to Him.