I have this persistant issue that has been bugging me for quite sometime now – it’s to do with people who live with their parents, specifcially my friends who live with their parents ; more specifically my working colleagues who live with their parents. It’s not an issue of hatred, or anything like that ; on the contrary its more of a feeling of envy and to some degree, isolation.
Yes I am envious of such people, envious of those who don’t have to spend a cut of their pay check on their car ; envious of those who practically get to live rent-free under their parents’ roof with the pretext that ‘someday when I have saved enough money I will be my own home’.
I wish I too could sometimes live with my parents, well I guess I should say that in past-tense. Why? Cuz with mum no longer around, and my estranged relationship with my dad, it gets lonely. You sometimes forget what it is to have a home – home just becomes a distant memory. I know I might sound a little melancholic and emotional with my words, but seriously you try losing someone so dear in your life, someone you’ve known your entire life, and you try picking up the pieces and see if you can walk straight.
I am trying, and day after day I struggle. I guess this has what has given rise to my sensitivity of such people who I perceive as “having it all”. I am envious because I used to once a upon a time have all that, the love of a family, the protection of my mom to always advice me in any major decisions in my life. Now, it seems I have lost it all and for the first time, I feel like an adult, I feel the weight of being responsible for my actions. While I have great siblings, I still feel the isolation and the lonliness at times. And it’s not their fault, primarily sometimes it’s my own doing, my own yearing for my own kind of solitutde.
But at the brink of losing it all, that’s when I realize that there is hope. That’s when I start counting my blessings. That’s when I start realizing that even though I lost mum, I still haven’t lost Him. Yes My Big Daddy may not be able to come down and talk to me like a mortal soul, but He is still around and He talks… if I let him do so.
And I guess having Him around is one way of my walking through my life. He helps me work straight, though not all of the time and it’s not because He doesn’t want to help, it’s more of me wanting to stand of my two feet. I used to have this same mentality when mum was around. But like I how I used to find comfort in knowing mum would be there to suppport him, somehow I have learnt to find comfort in knowing that He too will support me. I just gotta have faith. I don’t blame you if you don’t subscribe to this, heck at times I too find it hard to adhere to my own ‘preaching’ but sometimes its through, I mean who else do I have?
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Thank you lord for being there for me even though I failed to see you 🙂