One month ago… I can’t wait to leave this place and finally do something worthwhile! Finally I’m on the path of pursuing my dream…this job will definitiely be a good launch pad and preparation for my academic pursuit…oh I can’t wait to get my hands on learning and applying those concepts in the real world. Good bye mindless idle work, farewell monotonous tasks, it’s time I take my skills and abilities to the next level
One month later… I find myself more frustrated than ever. I feel I’m lagging so much behind, I feel the materials being taught are much too fast for me to grasp. I feel so tired, so unmotivated, so desolated. At first I thought maybe it was just because I was sick, but now I’m realizing it’s more than that. It’s the stress alright, but I sometimes wonder what stress do I have? Am I in a project or something? Am I pressed for time to deliver a particular task at a particular deadline? The only thing I have to worry about right now is completing my training courses, that’s about it…for now
I think that’s where my problem is; if I were to really do a thorough soul search to uncover the reason behind my recent apathetic life, it would be because of the training materials that I am undergoing. The stuff that I’m learning is all really good and beneficial for sure… the problem herein lies in the pace that it’s being conducted and the amount of volume we have to cover. And this isn’t some teacher guiding a bunch of students. It’s all self-taught in a self-paced where. While I have always enjoyed self-paced learning to some degree, this particular training is not-self monitored, meaning I have a deadline to finish them, and the worst part is that the deadlines are usually 24 hours.
It’s tough enough to have to rewire your brain and get rewired back into the company’s way of doing things, but try rewiring it in 1-2 days. I feel it’s almost suicidal. But then unlike some individuals, my way of learning has always been different. I have never studied anything FAST. I was (and still am!) the kind of person where I always took my own time to study anything, unless of course they’re school materials, but then again, can you imagine taking an express economics 101 class in just 2 weeks, and considering the fact you have no background in business? It’s tough, mind-bogging and down-right confusing if you don’t have a good proper teacher; in my case, I have to learn everything ONLINE and that too alone, which makes it all the more difficult and tiring.
But coming back to the original point, isn’t this field what I’ve wanted? If you were to take a quick scan off my mini-library at home, you’ll see 90% of the books I have are on business management, yes that’s right BUSINESS MANAGEMENT! I love studying and reading about management theory and using my management skills and (pea-brain) knowledge to diagnose problems and learn new ideas about managing employees and organizational growth. Heck this is the specific field I want to pursue in for my higher studies!!
So how come I’m not exuberant about this new job of mine? How on earth did I lose the fire for this position I’ve been coveting for so long? Where has my mojo gone? More importantly how did it go and why it go? What did I do to lose it? Why do I wake up everyday feeling so heavy, so burdened, when I should instead be feeling proud, feeling excited about the new things I’m going to learn and the exciting challenges I’m going to face?
Is my honeymoon period over? I don’t think so cuz I’m still not assigned to any projects yet, and it’s not even 1 month, and NOT everyone is friendly around me, so I don’t think it has anything to do with buttermoon, jam-moon or honeymoon at all.
Something is missing in my work life, something just does’t feel right at all! And I need to investigate further what it is…