When you say I do


I got inspired to write this piece of article after watching Khloe Kardashian prepare for her wedding to Lamar Odom in The Kadashians (yes I am that old and there was nothing else interesting on TV on a lazy sunday afternoon). During the whole tv show, the whole jing bang was just focusing on the external side of Khloe’s wedding – i.e – Mama Kris was just talking about how she wanted her daughter to have the perfect wedding, and how she would make it her primary aim to make it happen. It was actually a crazy wedding if you ask me ; the couple had barely met a month before they decided to tie the knot! While the siblings did try to “knock” some sense into the bride-to-be, I was pretty amused to see how they just decided to shift their attention to the wedding details straight away. I guess maybe that’s what makes good TV entertainment?

The ironic part occured I think towards the end of the show when I started googling up to see whether Khloe and Lamar were still married, and not to my surprise, rumours about them heading towards a divorce began dominating my search quest. It then got me thinking about the whole idea of marriage.

Saying that you love someone isn’t that difficult I have come to accept. Pursuing the girl, while it may be an uphill battle for some of us, also isn’t the difficult part. The most difficult part that I have found (based on my little wee experiences I have had in the past) is staying commited to the person….through thick and thin and most people have many coping mechanisms that they use to deal with this. Some drink, some have flirtatious affairs in the office, some concerntrate all their efforts at work, choosing to ignore the realities of the affairs at home.

It got me really thinking why is it so hard for men especially to commit themselves to the one that they love. I mean as men we spend much of our time in the pursuit of the one we want, but once we get them, once the girl says yes to us, we back down, we become afraid, we start having second thoughts. I know this, because it has happened to me before.

I think the question really lies in whether we really do love the person or not. Well you might scoff and say “of course we do!…why do you think I spent all my money on Valentines Day pursuing her and trying to get her???” but like I said, pursuing is different from starting the commitment with the individual.

Do you love the individual enough to stand by her through thick and thin?

It’s a very tough question, and I bet you the initial reaction is always fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen to the future, fear of being the person now responsible to look after this individual, to stay commited to her, to love her, to be there for her. That fear is quite a powerful fear and it can really paralyze a guy if he is not ready for it.

Very hard….but doable.

I think the first thing a guy needs to understand is that yes he needs to provide for this individual. He needs to be there for this individual. That’s his role as a husband-to-be. He needs to understand his role in the relationship. Sadly most guys don’t, and it’s not because they don’t care or they  become jerks (except for a couple of outliers), but I personally believe it’s because they don’t know how. Most guys don’t know how to play their role in a relationship. I can safely say most guys think all their role is to provide financial security, to come up with the dough for their beaus and to lead the relationship in major decisions. While all that is definitely important, I think men also need to be Emotional Leaders in the relationship and I don’t mean to be a shrink to their beaus, but to be strong enough for them…in an emotional sense.  Yes sure it will be scary at first, when we discover the other “ugly” side of the individual, but it’s simply because it’s a new change for us. We are experiencing something different and how we respond to that situation ultimately shapes the relationship.  Do we quit, or do we try to compromise and not give up and try our best to work at it?  And I think that’s where the strength of the relationship continues to grow. And I belive that most girls would appreciate that in us men….eventually. Also I think another virtue that will help us men get through this is to be patient and understanding. I know this is super difficult to do (been there before myself!) but I think it’s essential in building us men up. The little pains and struggles that we go through with our beaus help us to become better men in the future, little by little and slowly.

I think the second thing we men should realise is to learn how to set our own expectations on the other person. I know in my past relationships, I have often set some expectations which have left me dissapointed with the whole relationship. Managing expectations is important but what does it really mean to “manage expectations” and “set expectations?” when it comes to being in a relationship? To me, it simply means not expecting too much from the other person. Why? Because just like how we often tell others when we fail them that “hey I am only human”, the same goes for them. Women are just as flawed as men, and as men, we should slowly learn to accept that and help them grow to be better people.

I guess saying I do is more than just a fancy wedding or desiring the wedding gown and all that. I have often been told that a wedding is just a day, a marriage is more for  a lifetime. Patience, understanding, tolerance, maturity and most important of them all, love is important for a good marriage.

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