So we argued once again. The same accusations and past grudges were brought up. It was painful to endure it over and over again. For the longest time, the chief complain has been I lacked the care and concern. I am not endearing.
In my defense, I have no defense. There is some truth to it, but to hear it over and over again despite me also pulling my weight and bringing home the dough, I couldn’t totally deny the accusations. I am my father’s son, after all, born and bred in a household where there was little love shown among spouses (at least that’s what I grew up witnessing). I thought I would already be a step up if I could just be a good breadwinner and provide adequately for the family. That would be enough to earn me some respect and acceptance at home. Being endearing was not only an elective optional course I could opt out of, but I didn’t even think it was really needed.
How wrong I was. This year will mark our 5 years and it’s only in my 5th year, after years of resentment, bitterness, and confusion I am able to see the importance of happiness and joy.
Not that I don’t know these fruits and how important they are. But i never thought I could be the one to make an impact to bring joy to the home. I never did think doing simple acts of kindness and being more thoughtful would yield such great benefits. Truth be told, I was more worried I would relapse to my old habits and they would get the better of me. That held me back too often.
But to improve, one must try. And try I did. Today (12th June 2021) I tried to be more courteous, more loving, more thoughtful. It wasn’t the big things i did, rather the small stuff. The filling up of water bottles, the carrying of the items, the frequent checking-ins. I even went so far as to propose that a long-overdue ring is due to commemorate our 5th anniversary is in order.
And there it was. That long over due happiness in her face. Something that I had not seen in a long long time. Something that took me so long to see and was coming from me. I did this – for a change – I made her happy and the joyful mood she was in all day today due to actions that I took is something that has positively reinforced.
Tonight, unlike last night, she is sleeping peacefully. There is a serene look in her face. She looks at ease. Before she sleeps, she tells me that she loves me. I respond in return and I smile as I wrap up this entry. She always has a habit of saying “you did this to me” when something happens. Tonight, as she sleeps soundly, I realised I did this to her. I am giving her this peaceful rest.
It’s a long journey ahead. I know this. I am still worried I may relapse. I am worried I may not be good enough for her. But for today, I know I did well. Tomorrow is another day, and all I can do is to take it one day at a time.