I am sitting here typing this entry in the airport. I had missed my flight 45 minutes ago and I am waiting to catch the next available flight to my destination. As I cleared through the security check I was sullen. Missing my flight, albeit it was just a local flight really had an impact on me. It wasn’t so much I had to pay a bomb to get a ticket for the next flight, but I felt more agitated at myself. I had cause this to happen. Lately I have been under alot of pressure. Sleepless nights due to stress at work (my project is going live in a few weeks time) finally caught up to me. I would wake up in the middle of the night worrying about whether I had covered everything. Over the last few days, I have been running merely on adrenaline, taking each day by the hour.
It has been tiring to say the least. And this fatigue has been building up steadily over the last few months. Enduring each day and dealing with life’s stress. This week was probably the worst. Although the week has almost ended (its a public holiday today and yet I still have to take a call later in the afternoon) and it’s ending well, the saddest part in all of this is that no one really gives a damn about this. I doubt my clients at work, my superiors at work even know how tired I am. I do fear that expressing any signs of indication that I am in need of a break will be met with disdain and scorn, especially right now when things are so “critical” – well this whole project has been on critical mode since day 1.
I know it may sound like an cop out, but the sad reality is this – I am getting tired and the fatigue is getting to me. Today’s fiasco is a symptom of soemthing. My mind is rushing, spinning trying to make sure I have everything covered. The sleepless nights I mentioned earlier on is a symptom of this mad rush mentality that I have had to endure.
I must slow down. I must learnt to breathe. Its hard I know. How do you breathe when everyone around you is in a frantic rush? And to top it off, even though I am leaving in less than one month, I still am struggling to cope with the demands. I know something must be done, but to be honest, I am not sure what I should do? How do I pace myself? I used to have answers to questions like this, but with a tired mind its getting more and more challenging.
And yet, I must persist and persevere. Sometimes I wonder how on earth am I supposed to do that…