These last 3 days have been somewhat different for me. The yearning for Him has captured me significantly. Actually I don’t even know what started it, but I have a strong feeling that the emptiness, that unexplained void, which was caused by the recent events in my life had just accumulated. Over the past few weeks I found various ways to temporarily patch up these voids – extra focus in my work, partying and having more fun with my new found friends, concentrating on making a good impression at my new place, adjusting to the new lifestyle, but I found that something was still missing.
Since Mum’s death, I had not gone to church at all. It wasn’t that I was vexed with Him up there for what He had done, ergo I was thankful that He ended her pain, her suffering in this mortal-fallen world. I was at peace knowing that she had return to her Creator and that I can go on with my own life.
Yet there was an uncanny, unexplainable void that I just couldn’t put my finger on and identify, lingering in my heart. The distractions did work for a while, but eventually the dust and the feathers did settle down and once again, I found myself lacking something.
What was it? As I said I wasn’t annoyed with Him. I still read His word, listened to songs praising His name. But yet, spiritually, I was somewhat disconnected. What was I missing? What was this void all about?
Thou hast created us for Thyself, and our heart is not quiet until it rests in Thee
– St Augustine
Modern day translation: God created us for Himself, and our hearts will not be quiet until it rests in Him
I was reminded of this quote yesterday when I attended mass. My brother used to quote this saying often times when we had our conversations. It was only at mass service yesterday, I felt at peace, I felt loved, I felt truly happy.
My dream job, my new fancy clothes that I wore to work, my new found hip and happening friends, my new job location, – all these are just shadows, here-today, gone- tomorrow senses and feelings, that just provide some sort of temporary comfort, some sort of momentary happiness and sense of achievement and some sort of short-term security. These are all shadows compared to the awesome glory and presence of being with the Creator.
I have to say realizing this was sorta like an epiphany to me. I thought a new change in environment and job life would help me move on, help me continue on with my life and abet me in picking up the pieces that were broken.
And this was my biggest flaw – I relied and depended on my own emotional strength and my own will power to move on and succeed. I had left mum in the past, and along with her, subconsciously, unknowingly and unintentionally I felt God at the doorstep as well.
And that’s when the void started growing… and while I knew it was maturing, I did nothing to curb this void…well nothing until yesterday when I stepped into God’s house after so long (1 month is a long time for a regular-chuch-goer-worshipper like me!) and I felt immediately His presence, His peace and His love. I didn’t have to say much, in fact all I did say was just this:
“I have returned Father, I missed You so much Lord…thank you lord for loving me, thank you Lord for everything you’ve done in my life”.
I have returned home to my Father’s arms.
If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.
– 2 Tim 2: 13