The death of a prematured heart

June 7th, 2009 The author

So now you know who I am into, you gotta tell me yours! She quipped, finally breaking the silence that encapsulated us for a good 2-3 minutes. I gulped as I tried to regain my composure.

She’s always like that – blunt, straight to the point, no beating around the bush. So what do I tell her. I mean how was I to say ‘yes I am into someone too, and that person is you’.

I had no plans to tell her up until now.  I felt I needed more time to analyze and gain perspective on this journey titled ‘Romance’. The last time I threaded down that road was more than a year ago. And this time, I was going to pursue a church gal, a catholic girl, a girl whom I have known for sometime as a wonderful friend.

After finally playin g the guessing game, (heh I think this was the first time she went around the bush!) she finally and reluctantly came to the conclusion that I was interested in her.

I guess the reluctancy in her face said it all. My dream of receiving a reciprocal feeling had taken a nosedive.  She wasn’t interested. She was more interested in her Man, who knew very little of her existence, but she had physical attraction based feelings for me.

Throughout our shopping (yes, after hearing the Truth) we had to go and check something out. You could imagine the mood between the two of us – she confused but trying to bring normalcy into the conversation.  Me – feeling like a total loser for being rejected by Love.  Rejected love is painful and it dug deep into my heart as time went by

Finally after we had completed my task, I decided I could no longer hold this bleeding heart of mine. I had to let her know, we had to talk it out. I wasn’t going to give up on Beauty as I had done in, the past.

I finally poured out my heart to her over coffee at a Starbucks outlet. It was painful but I just didn’t want to hold it back. I had afterall nothing to lose.  She listened attentively, occasionally nodding her head. Probably that’s the first time I saw her in such a contemplative state in a non religious background.

‘It feels like a death of the prematured heart’ , she said finally, adding to the fact that it was her who forced my love interest out of me and ended up rejecting it.

‘Let me think about it and pray about it”, she finally said.  Exasperated and emotionally drained from the conversation, all I could say was 2 words

Thank you!

And so this is how my love life has been, in case you wanted to know whether I even had a romantic life!

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Too much to write; too much to do

December 24th, 2008 The author

I have been on radio silence for quite sometime for a good reason. Yes it is indeed the holiday season and I was on leave for the entire last week. Despite the 1 week “holiday”, I have been pretty much busy being a tour guide and a driver to my relatives who have come down from Canada. In fact I have been quite busy for the whole of last week I didn’t even get time to do my own work.

Nothing at all. Zip. Nada

No time to even catch up on my readings, let alone time to blog. In some ways it has been great to spend the entire week with my uncle and his family. I’ve never done such a thing like this before (i.e – spend the entire week doing nothing but taking them around day after day to visit places).

I have thought up quite a number of ideas to write for my blog, alas, I have much to write, and much to do. It also doesn’t help that the internet has been fairly poor over the last couple of days. I’ve not been able to log into my dashboard properly and frankly, everything seems just slow on the net. I don’t know whether it has anything to do with the cable disruption in europe, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is so. With major cables
being affected, most traffic will be routed through other networks, thus causing heavy traffic and bottlenecks at some important locations.

Oh well, that’s what happens when you depend on technology abit too much at times.

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Missing that motherly love / Away for the weekend

November 1st, 2008 The author

Lately over the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking alot about Mum. These thoughts tend to run through my mind when I’m walking back from the train station, or when I reach my room and I look at mum’s portrait on my desk. Yes I guess I’m really missing mum. The fact that she’s no longer around in some ways… scares me!

It scares me in a way because for once, I don’t have to be accountable to anyone. Yes, as much as I am an adult, my growing years into adulthood was somewhat much influence by mum. She was there to call me the first day I started work at Big Blue. She consoled me when I told her I couldn’t do IT because it was just too tough for me. She consoled me when I told her I wanted to quit my IT job at Big Blue by dispensing good motherly advice.

Now that she’s gone, I feel that I don’t have to be accountable anymore. I can do whatever I want, I can quit when the going gets tough, something I could not do (and rightly so!) in the past because mum was always there to dish out practical advice to her young child who was grappling in the adult working world.

And right now, I miss that. I miss her sage-like advice, her motherly affection, her constant assurance. I miss all of those…

To all of you who have mothers…. you guys are so lucky to still have them around…

On a short side note, I will be away for the weekend. Will be spending All Saints and Souls Day with Dad. It’s also about time I returned home!

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