Why do men cheat?
My friend once remarked to me about how there are more girls who are sincere then there are guys who are sincere when it comes to relationships and particularly matters of the heart. And the number of girls out there who are sincere in wanting a serious relationship sometimes does seem that is equivalent to the number of guys who just want to fool around. Otherwise how would you explain the number of stories you hear about girls, good sincere girls finding out their boyfriends cheated on them? It sure feels like something does add up when you think about it.
I started researching as to why guys cheat. I was curious to know what the experts felt and I was quite intrigued when I saw the top 9 reasons that men cheat. Of course some people of different quarters would argue that women too cheat as well and that they are no saints either, but we ALL know that the likely hood of a man to cheat is significantly higher.
And I think perhaps this phenomenon (where a study done which showed that 4 in 10 men cheat) would possibly could be attributed to the way society has viewed women, particularly the WAY society has allowed men to view women ; as mere objects of desire and lusts.
I mean how many times we have heard of a man who is considered to be accommodative and loving to his wife be labelled as "sissy" or "Mr Insensitive"? Heck I remembered when I was working in my early days , we used to joke around about how one of my married colleagues always had to ask his wife for "permission" to go out with his friends. Such guys we would often label them as being "domisticated" and not "a real man".
To me though, I think it takes ALOT more effort and energy to be loving and kind to your loved one. I didn't quite get this point until I saw my brother's own marriage and over the course of time I began observing his behaviour. At first it used to irk me to see that he would always need to get his wife's permission, but over time I saw that the relationship with his wife was actually quite healthy. They did have their disagreements, but often time they would be quite happy together (at least whenever I saw them). My brother once told me that "keep your wife happy, and everything will be just nice!", and this was even echoed in the latest Transformers movie where Witwiky Sr tells Witwiky Jr. to always keep the wife/girlfriend happy and things will be better.
But that's the difference in today's society. Men have kinda forgotten that. To them, the pursuit is always the fun part, but once the pursuit is over, things become boring and mundane. As the research from the article confirms, men begin to find sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.
It's not easy to maintain a marriage. As I am just humbly moving to my 4th month of my committed relationship, these are the truths that I am coming to terms with. But still I think that's where the effort needs to be there even more. And that's where men fail. To men, spending effort in emotional needs is a waste of time. However I think it's simply because men in general do not know how to communicate properly. To most men, a relationship is always a physical one, and yeah , definitely if your communication with your partner is just a physical one most of the time, it WILL get boring. It's quite sad sometimes when I see family men in the supermarket who look so jaded and bored. When I see their faces, I sometimes wonder, "is marriage that bad?"
And that's when I realise that marriage sometimes requires effort. It's not always gonna be fun and exciting. There will be periods of downtime, periods of quiet time, periods of sans physicality but it's important for us men not to give in to the temptation of looking elsewhere and playing with "fire".
Apart from just making it work, I also think it has got to do with who men mix with. Like they said, birds of the same feather flock together, so likewise it would be for men who would have friends of the same mindset. It won't rub off directly though, most of it would be in subtle manner. For example the kinda conversations that they have about relationships and women in general, the kinda movies they watch together. Eventually the kind of guy you become is actually a product of an environment that you are in. So picking out your married male buddies wisely I presume would help to some degree.
At the end of the day, nobody wants a failed marriage. Men by nature is not inherently evil. No man I believe would want to simply hurt their loved ones. But having said that, men should also have a greater responsibility in exercising judgement and choices.
Why ask for fire and burn your hands unnecessarily? You don't also want to burn it to much until you have to amputate it!
Of empty promises and failed men
"Though all may have their faith in you shaken, mine will never be" - St. Peter assuring Jesus when the Christ fortells them of what is about to happen to Him
"...this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times" - Jesus' reply to Peter. (Matthew 26:34)
Today's gospel reading at mass commemorates the triumphal entry of the Christ into Jerusalem and a week later, his passion and death. Although I have listened to the narrative gospel on how Christ was betrayed, suffered and eventually executed for his "deeds" it doesn't fail to leave a sorrowful impression on me on how frail we are as human beings.
The readings reminded me of how I too, at times would praise Jesus when things are looking good and shouting with all my heart "Hosanna in the highest!". And even when I do ask for God to help me in my struggles and problems, like Peter, I too sometimes make promises which I can't keep to the Lord.
The saddest part I guess would be when God does live out to the "other side" of the bargain whereas I don't. Why? Well it's because of sin, and because of my focus to get what I want and use all my bargaining prowess to strike a bargain with God, sometimes once I get what I want, I just conveniently forget what my end of the deal was.
And like Peter, when it comes to my senses ; when I do eventually realise that I had not lived up to my end of the bargain, or that I made a promise to our Lord and I had violated my promise, I too end up weeping and feeling pathetic about myself.
But here in lies the difference between Judas and Peter. While both felt remorsed about their actions, both chose two different resolutions to come to terms with their guilt. One chose repentance and the other chose suicide. One chose God's forgiveness, the other chose to take matters into his own hands. One believed in god, the other doubted God's mercy.
The question therefore isn't so much about our own failed weaknesses or even so much our empty promises. Human beings being flawed creatures will always make mistakes. However, I believe that is where God's strength will make up for it. (2 Cor 12:9). The question is would we allow ourselves to be forgiven by God? And if we do, our we sincere about it? Because presupposing God's grace to me is also a sin. We can't and should not take God's mercy for granted.
It's no doubt tough to be his disciples and to make promises to Him which we can't keep. However, as St. Paul reminds us - "My grace is sufficient for you"
Finding meaning in the ordinary
We all find the routines of our lives to be quite ordinary, quite mundane and simply...quite boring.
It feels like there is really nothing to look forward to in life, it’s as though we can predict the motions of the day without really much effort. And that’s when life becomes a routine - a chore, an idle, static space which gives no meaning to our existence.
I am writing down all these things as I continue on my tour in Europe. The journey so far has been quite an-eye opener, interesting and quite unexpected in a certain sense. In fact if I could sum up this trip (though it’s not over yet but I feel I already know the ending anyway!), it would be just one thing : Unexpectedly Unpredictable.
And that’s when earlier today when I was waiting for my train to come, I began to think about my routine life back at home. Just a few night before, I was sharing with my girlfriend on how my life was back home, and how I would deal with certain things. We were talking about this in light of the unexpected events that unfolded during this trip.
And it got me thinking about how I missed my routine life. It wasn’t that I found my routine life to be a super exciting journey ; I too have my ups and downs, my hectic-pressured moments that sometimes I too wonder “when it will all end?” Somehow just sitting down idly in the Parisian and London streets over the last couple of days made me think about my own life.
And it made me realise that I do love my life, despite the difficulties and challenges that I face whether it’s with work or family or friends. Sure there will be difficulties, sure at times my life may appear mundane, but sometimes, it’s in the ordinary stuff that I have learnt to find meaning.
And when I refer to meaning, I don’t mean some “eureka” or “Jerry Maguire Epiphany” moment. This trip made me realise how fortunate in a way I am. Fortunate in a sense to have a strong faith and belief in a God whom I know cares deeply about me. (I had experienced this while attending the French masses here). Fortunate that my anchor in Christ and in my faith is strong (My girlfriend often comments and compliments me on this).
While others may dread their jobs, to me, I love what I do. I am passionate about my job and the challenge as well as the opportunities that it brings (I just learnt that the piece of work I had recently completed for my project has garnered interest from other projects overseas). I have a family that supports and love me very much despite the struggles and hardships that we go through together. I feel fortunate and blessed to have an understanding girlfriend who cares for me deeply (The best thing about her is the fact that we can see things eye to eye and we are on the same wavelength on major important life issues).
If I look at what I have written above, yes it may seem like I have it all. But at the same time, one can also look at it and think it’s quite mundane.
There is nothing exciting about my life.
However I tend to disagree with this statement. From my university days I have always held the belief that life is what we make out of it. Do I think I live an ordinary life? On the outside yes, it certainly looks so, but in my world, I do find my purpose and my meaning in what I want to do, and what I plan to achieve.
We may think that life is boring and dull. But it’s through that mundaneness that we find meaning and a sense of purpose. It gives us something to look forward to, something familiar that we can hold on to and build upon in this world of vagueness and empty promises. It’s through those daily grinding over time, we find some sort of meaning, maybe not directly ; like I said earlier, you wouldn’t probably have an epiphany at work, but over time, by doing the same thing over and over again, you will realise that life…the meaning of life can actually be found in the ordinary. And yes it changes, just as life is a dynamic state of everyone’s existence, our meaning and our association with life will change over time, as we age and mature and as we encounter different scenarios and situations in our lives. The important thing I feel is to always take that time to reflect and to think and to use clues from our mundaneness to answer them.
