When you say I do
I got inspired to write this piece of article after watching Khloe Kardashian prepare for her wedding to Lamar Odom in The Kadashians (yes I am that old and there was nothing else interesting on TV on a lazy sunday afternoon). During the whole tv show, the whole jing bang was just focusing on the external side of Khloe's wedding - i.e - Mama Kris was just talking about how she wanted her daughter to have the perfect wedding, and how she would make it her primary aim to make it happen. It was actually a crazy wedding if you ask me ; the couple had barely met a month before they decided to tie the knot! While the siblings did try to "knock" some sense into the bride-to-be, I was pretty amused to see how they just decided to shift their attention to the wedding details straight away. I guess maybe that's what makes good TV entertainment?
The ironic part occured I think towards the end of the show when I started googling up to see whether Khloe and Lamar were still married, and not to my surprise, rumours about them heading towards a divorce began dominating my search quest. It then got me thinking about the whole idea of marriage.
Saying that you love someone isn't that difficult I have come to accept. Pursuing the girl, while it may be an uphill battle for some of us, also isn't the difficult part. The most difficult part that I have found (based on my little wee experiences I have had in the past) is staying commited to the person....through thick and thin and most people have many coping mechanisms that they use to deal with this. Some drink, some have flirtatious affairs in the office, some concerntrate all their efforts at work, choosing to ignore the realities of the affairs at home.
It got me really thinking why is it so hard for men especially to commit themselves to the one that they love. I mean as men we spend much of our time in the pursuit of the one we want, but once we get them, once the girl says yes to us, we back down, we become afraid, we start having second thoughts. I know this, because it has happened to me before.
I think the question really lies in whether we really do love the person or not. Well you might scoff and say "of course we do!...why do you think I spent all my money on Valentines Day pursuing her and trying to get her???" but like I said, pursuing is different from starting the commitment with the individual.
Do you love the individual enough to stand by her through thick and thin?
It's a very tough question, and I bet you the initial reaction is always fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing what's gonna happen to the future, fear of being the person now responsible to look after this individual, to stay commited to her, to love her, to be there for her. That fear is quite a powerful fear and it can really paralyze a guy if he is not ready for it.
Very hard....but doable.
I think the first thing a guy needs to understand is that yes he needs to provide for this individual. He needs to be there for this individual. That's his role as a husband-to-be. He needs to understand his role in the relationship. Sadly most guys don't, and it's not because they don't care or they become jerks (except for a couple of outliers), but I personally believe it's because they don't know how. Most guys don't know how to play their role in a relationship. I can safely say most guys think all their role is to provide financial security, to come up with the dough for their beaus and to lead the relationship in major decisions. While all that is definitely important, I think men also need to be Emotional Leaders in the relationship and I don't mean to be a shrink to their beaus, but to be strong enough for them...in an emotional sense. Yes sure it will be scary at first, when we discover the other "ugly" side of the individual, but it's simply because it's a new change for us. We are experiencing something different and how we respond to that situation ultimately shapes the relationship. Do we quit, or do we try to compromise and not give up and try our best to work at it? And I think that's where the strength of the relationship continues to grow. And I belive that most girls would appreciate that in us men....eventually. Also I think another virtue that will help us men get through this is to be patient and understanding. I know this is super difficult to do (been there before myself!) but I think it's essential in building us men up. The little pains and struggles that we go through with our beaus help us to become better men in the future, little by little and slowly.
I think the second thing we men should realise is to learn how to set our own expectations on the other person. I know in my past relationships, I have often set some expectations which have left me dissapointed with the whole relationship. Managing expectations is important but what does it really mean to "manage expectations" and "set expectations?" when it comes to being in a relationship? To me, it simply means not expecting too much from the other person. Why? Because just like how we often tell others when we fail them that "hey I am only human", the same goes for them. Women are just as flawed as men, and as men, we should slowly learn to accept that and help them grow to be better people.
I guess saying I do is more than just a fancy wedding or desiring the wedding gown and all that. I have often been told that a wedding is just a day, a marriage is more for a lifetime. Patience, understanding, tolerance, maturity and most important of them all, love is important for a good marriage.
Men are not all about sex
I just came back from watching the movie ,The Ugly Truth, with a good friend of mine. The movie basically revolves around this guy, who has his own TV show which primarily propagates on the fact that men are just about sex, and a woman should do everything to make themselves pleasing to men if she wants him.
Now whether the story is written in the sense to deliberately portray a typical alpha-male scenario is guessable, but the fact is, we know that some movies are made to reflect the current culture that we live in. Some movies typify the society that we are in. And my firend, who watched the movie with me, (and who is a girl) also concurred with this fact. Most women actually DO think that men are just about sex.
I guess the problem herein lies in the skewed way of how women think men view love. To women, a man is said to experience love when it comes to sex. So while the common belief that a woman tends to associate love to an emotion, for a man, love is equated with sex. Having sex is a man's way of getting love.
Lust Caution!
Our culture today has blurred this line, so much so that we can't really tell the difference between the two. We don't really know which is which and how to spot one from the other. There's actually two folds to this and they both relate to one another :
Fold 1 : Absence of Love Leading to Lust
Hugh Hefner, Playboy's founder once commented that the reason he founded Playboy was simply because he did not experience much love growing up. This absence of love forced Hefner to look for love elsewhere, which led him to founding Playboy, where he could get all the 'love' possible. What was more disturbing and sad in some way was, Hefner's love was a counterfeit, which was disguised in the form of lust.
Too often times we hear lonely young males who become addicted to pornography. While there are many reasons as to why this destructive habit is becomes an addiction to some, for the most part, it is because of lonliness, which means the absence of love. People often think that women are the ones that long to be loved and cherished, but they often forget that males, guys also need this. Guys need to hear that they are being loved and that they are being cared, that they are being cherished.
Alas, society does not portray these messages when it comes to defining the man. Man is defined as someone who has dominion over his territory, someone who is designed to lead and control the environment around him, and this includes his woman. Notice how society does not say that Man needs love, rather Man should control his woman, and that woman should satisfy his needs.
And so with all the sensitivity being given to the woman, Man suddenly is left to be the beast, the animal who only has his instincts, therefore if we reduce man to that level, the phrase 'think with your pants' becomes quite apt and therefore we view sex as just another physical need, which again becomes disguised in the form of love for the woman.
Fold 2 : Lust becomes the new form of Love for man
So now, love becomes twisted in the man's eye and heart, to man, love equates to lust equates to sex. And because society points us to that direction, suddenly these equations become hard coded into our brains and male human makeup.
The idea of a male being sensitive and longing for love? - That is termed as gay and softy. And because man was not made to be a softy, we are then forced to be the beast who is in control of his destiny¸ and this means engaging in sexual activity to fulfil our needs. By fulfilling our needs, we become masters or controllers of our destiny. We are in charge. We can engage in promiscuous sex with who ever we want simply because we are men and that's what we think only about.
Sadly, sex is now merely reduced to something of an entertainment or mere physical gratification
Blindly Playing Along
Having just read all that, you would probably think that perhaps women would think abit different of men? - Hardly the case. I once had a discussion with my female colleague on this, and she just phlegmatically commented that "all men are interested in is doing IT". So it's not really just merely an Ugly Truth, it's THE TRUTH (well according to women at least).
The Minority Group
While the perversity of sex is rampant in our culture today, as a guy (who has had his own fair share of dealing with sexual problems), I'm not here to ostracize all the males out there who think this way. Rather I want people, especially the ladies out there to know that there are actually guys who are not about sex at all. I've met such guys like this in my own walk of life, and trust me, these are guys who think with their minds and hearts, rather than with their pants. We want to love a woman the way she is supposed to be loved. We want to also be loved by them and just as we cherish them, to also be cherished by them. We want to lead them, to protect them and to serve them.
Nice guys somehow...will finish last
I guess no matter how much I try to stress that there such amazing and wonderful guys out there to encourage and give some hope to the women out there, I guess a part of me will always think that 'Nice Guys will finish Last'. It has nothing to do with one's self-esteem, rather I think it because women at times don't know what they really want. They think they do and so they pass up opportunities when a great guy comes along, not even bothering to give the guy a chance to see if things will ever work out, rather simply admitting that "I don't think this will work out"... for some reason, women (and also man for that matter) are always looking for something else, when sometimes, the right person is standing right in front of you.
Decluttering myself
I have this super bad habit, and how I got to "contract" this bad habit... I 'm not sure as well and this bad habit is...well its not really a BAD habit...rather its more of a condition. I think I'm suffering from Clutter's Disease.
Okay I now it's not really a disease, but I have this major issue when it comes to organization. For some reason, I just can't seem to reorganize myself. Even if I do try, it would probably last for a couple of days. I've read a couple of self-help books, I've tried to adhere to a strict discipline, but oh man... within a week I'm right back where I started.
And I figured the reason for this is simply because I'm just too tired to make a change. Consistency has always been a problem for me. Its not like I can't do it or I am not capable, on the contrary, that's what makes it all the worse. I know I AM capable of organizing myself and I guess that's where the difficult part is - getting up and actually doing it.
My office desk is in a cluttering mess (although I must admit it's not as bad as some others 
), my books at home are all over the place, my wardrobe is chaotic, my new house is still messy, and the list goes on and on and on.
Yes I know I'm just rambling away and just throwing a fit here, but I'm really looking forward to the coming holidays. Heh the whole office is already in a holiday mood! I'm really gonna use this time to really sort out a couple of things, hopefully by the time the holiday is over, I would have already gotten things in order!
That's all for now...
