June 8th, 2009 The author
Even though I wrote about the death of my prematured heart only yesterday, truth is, my heart died a while ago. That incident actually happened a few weeks ago.
Today though was a little strange. As I was pouring my angst heart toward my female work colleague on why women always prefer somebody else that they just ignore the interest express from the nice guy who is standing right in front of them.
The discussion was abrupt when I got an unexpected sms. An unexpected text message from her. I was so stunned I told my female work colleague ‘holy crap – she just texted me asking me whether we should do dinner?’
Now before you, my esteemed reader begin with these words… “Easy there buddy, nothing really is happening alright?” Let me assure you, I too thought nothing much of it. In fact I’m just glad she finally sorta ‘reciprocated’ by asking me out for dinner, cuz let me tell you it has been hard on me ever since I broke the news to her. I felt like a loser, a real loser, I kept asking the question “Am I not desrieable?”
Don’t I have a good career?
Am I not cultured and refined?
Am I not sensitive and at the same time funny?
Am I difficult to get along with?
Am I not strong in my faith?
Am I not strong in my desire to draw others closer to God?
I don’t mean to stroke my ego, but seriously, when I look back at my life, when I really ask ‘Who am I and what do I live for and what am I passionate about?’ I don’t see why anyone would not want to be with me. Again not stroking my ego, I do have my own skeletons in my closet, and I’m far far far from being perfect either.
But the fact she can even admit it means something.
Anyhoo the text message was the last thing I was expecting from her. Based on how we have been toward each other, part of me felt ‘did I just ruin my friendship with her as well?’. I had stopped initiating conversations with her after my confession as I did not want to be pushy. In fact, I just left her alone while I prayed whether this is God’s will for the two of us.
She too afterall said I need time to pray about it.
But alas I did not have dinner with her as I had already committed my time to someone else. The good thing is… I didn’t feel bad about it. Maybe it was because I knew I would see her later in bible class. Or maybe because, I just wanted God to take over this.
I did see her in bible class and I saved her a seat, so yay she got to sit beside me. Once again, my mind was more toward the lesson we were going through that day rather than thinking about her. Divine intervention? Perhaps…
Later after class, a few of my close friends went out for a late post-bible supper. It’s a trend I’ve kinda started with 2 of my good friends and I am hoping to build on it as it’s always fruitful to share with each other what we learnt for the day.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to her though, instead I just texted her asking her whether she would like to join us.
10 minutes later, she is once again sitting opposite me and yes God did bless the group with a fruitful discussion. Throughout the whole time I was just thinking and thanking God for just taking over this whole thing. I didn’t feel that arkwardness around her I felt a couple of days back. In fact, more than anything I was happy she joined us. My heart was sorta resurrected, but not so much in an eros way, but more so in a filio way.
While I still do like her, I am still able to see her a sister, as a friend ; something I have not felt before for anyone that I’ve been interested in. And I’m really happy she sent me that text message asking me out for dinner ; even though it didn’t work out, I’m glad, in fact thrilled she took a step in building our friendship/relationship.
I’m gonna see her on Wednesday again ; and I’m just going to surrender it to God. I guess maybe God is working in her, and God is speaking to her heart. And perhaps maybe God is speaking to me as well in all of this calamity – angst- confused period.
Perhaps what God is saying to me is this :
Take it easy buddy, she already said she’ll pray about it ; You gotta trust in Me… I know what’s best for you… oh and by the way, did you get around to reading what I said in Matthew 6:33? No? Well yeah why not you just meditate on that for a while…
I gotta say…sometimes I am just proud and thankful to have a God like that…
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