Yes, I am very much alive and I have been keeping busy over the last few weeks. Work has started piling up as I try to manage a couple of young analysts and navigate through another change programme. This time around the scope is much bigger and I am finding myself pushing tin almost every day. It is tiring at times but I do try to keep the positivity going and just move on as much as I can.
I have already applied to all my universities and are awaiting their responses. Queens has already rejected me which really was quite disappointing. I did get accepted into Ottawa but the exorbitant tuition fees was difficult for me to manage and I ended up rejecting that offer. That too took a lot of pain to do so. I mean to reject a good university because of tuition fees… that can be really painful. Still, I am waiting for 2 more universities to get back to me and by end of February, I should know the status.
I do feel I am getting old for graduate studies. While part of me truly wants to go ahead and pursue this I do feel my age has caught up. Perhaps its the lack of proper sleep over the last few months as I am now a parent to a young toddler that is finally getting to me. Do I want to still put my family through this? Is it worth it? I know for long I have always challenged the status quo and gone off the beaten track but part of me is realizing that I am no longer in my younger days where I could afford to take bigger risks and pursue my idealistic goals. I am now a father and a husband. I do want to have more kids and that means also providing a stable home for my family. As a dad, that’s the most basic and fundamental responsibility I can take.
Still, I am leaving it to God. At the end of the day, I am leaving it in his hands – I am placing my future in his hands, not because I am out of options but because I feel tired. I am tired of trying to plot my moves and not live in grace and letting him take charge of everything. After all, he knows me better than myself and if I do get into any of those 2 universities, then I know its a sign from God for us to move. If I don’t hear from them, then it means staying back here. Either way, I am now going to leave it in God’s hands.
Coincidentally I am now finding myself seeking God’s presence more. I find myself yearning for holiness and being close to God. Perhaps part of me realizes that truly “without Him you can do nothing”. I am feeling that more by the day especially now as a parent. There are things that are beyond my control and there are things that I can’t wrap my head around. But I do want to try and strive to be better. To be better for my son, for my wife, and for this family. And for that, I truly need grace from Him. I will write more about my blueprint for holiness.