I didn’t expect it would happen so soon although I was already planning on it for months now. Not getting promoted late last year really had a major impact on me, both emotionally and mentally. I felt I had lost something inside of me, some part had been chipped away from me. I lost some zest for life as we prepared to move to our new home.
Dealing with this COVID shit was also not a fun experience for me. At first I thought “ah a slight breather from work” but then very soon I realised that the social isolation was killing me. Though we were actively delivering our work, the lack of any form of physical presence started to take its toll.
On top of that, as I mentioned earlier there was the reorg in my company which left me in a worse off place than before. Suddenly, I felt threatened and afraid – never had I had this experience before in all my years working here, but this time around the bouts of uncertainty left me paralysed to some degree. Like how do I go from here now?
I never liked my new “home” at work. I never liked working with fake people who were just trying to put out a front and be quite competitive and jostle for position. I could see through all that and it disgusted me at times. And yet this would be called MY home…that thought sickened me and left me demoralised for a few months as I tried to stay focus on the task at hand.
By now I had already changed CCs which I felt that was the right thing to do. I needed to get a handle on my career which at times I felt was going nowhere. Goal # 1 was to secure the promotion – that’s all I wanted for now and had to see to.
The move to the new department thwarted those plans unfortunately. After chatting with the new BOSS, I felt there was little chance for me to move upward anymore, that at the very least I would need to bide my time in this new operating model and wait…again.
Having missed out on my promo last year, time was just something I couldn’t personally afford anymore. The waiting game was over…for me, COVID or no COVID I needed to act and do something about it.
Discussions were held with my CC and I was advised to move out as well. The question would be where to? Where would I move now? Options were limited as I tried to plot my next move.
I gotta say this was taking a toll on me once again. I was finding work a chore with no potential good outcome in sight. Though I was being compensated well, something deep inside of me knew I could offer more and I had the potential to do things.
But I just lacked the mojo, the spirit and the drive to drive myself once again. I was tired. I turned to God and prayer for some comfort but the doubts were still there, lingering on like dark clouds over my head. This went for months and I felt really bad for the wifey; having her to go through this unnecessarily with me.
Finally, the day came. The switch just happened. It happened all too fast, during my 1 week breather space. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, but given that we needed to bid on a project, it just accelerated everything. Moving me would allow the project to staff me on and that seemed like the only way forward.
And so I moved to a new home, or rather I am in the process of moving to my new home. I found the boss in the new home to be much more understanding and decent when compared to what I went through earlier. Those bouts of doubt, anxiety and fear are somewhat going away.
Yes its a new home which may not be a perfect fit for me just yet, but at least I can continue doing what I am doing and its important to remember through all this God has been there. As mentioned earlier, I did take this to prayer, often asking God for a way out and what I should do. And while this was not my 1st choice (the new home), I felt God knew what he is doing. And this was how he answered me.
Next week I start my work with renewed motivation, conviction and determination. I can’t change what has happened in the past but I can certainly move forward with the future.